New Species of Modern Working Women Revealed by Recent Anthropological Study Conducted By No One
Findings are inconclusive and entirely satirical.
A recent report conducted by no one near nowhere reveals several new species of modern working women that have confounded amateur researchers. It has been suggested that modern society hinges on the success of these new breeds, and that their numbers are growing at an exponential rate. While close examinations have not been conducted, their behavior has been documented and preliminary findings have been released.
While no single unifying characteristic can be attributed to all, a common thread has emerged. They’re all impeccably dressed.
The Corporate (Non) Conformist
Constantly talks about “the man” while working at a Fortune 500; reluctantly purchases pumps, while not really sure what they are; only thing buttoned up is her vocabulary; mourns her creative writing degree from Sarah Lawrence; shows off her political beliefs through passive aggressive mugs.
Avoids getting hit by cars while posing in the streets; finds best graffiti walls in Brooklyn for “candid” moments; sources scenic bathrooms, contrasting wallpapers, and Parisian-inspired cafes; brunch not lunch; insists on being “real”; is verified avocado toast connoisseur.
Swears she’s constantly looking for her next “gig,” but can recount what happened on Maury that morning; is waiting to be inspired; texts friends to go to lunch (finds herself constantly disappointed); “has seen it” when asked about that new show everyone’s talking about; schedules meetings with her mom; loves to give direction despite having none; swears her Gmail is “on the fritz”.
The Grass-Is-Always-Greener Freelancer
Constantly promises herself she’ll “never do this again,” then does it again; has fantasies of happy hour with coworkers, but drinks alone; wonders what form of payment she’ll receive at any given time; considers Barista Meg her work wife; applies to full-time corporate positions, but tells interviewers that she’s scared of commitment, mundane work rhetoric, decks, speaking in acronyms, team building exercises, and commuting.
Works in a “complicated” role; her boss is quasi-famous in some circles;properly pronounces international words (i.e. kwah-saunt); boasts about being separated from Kevin Bacon by only 3 degrees; is always cold; wishes she could highlight her line edits in black; suffers from Foreign Accent Proximity Syndrome; looks forward to annual work retreat at Art Basel Miami; still cold; wishes you could read Netflix in paperback; packs homemade sushi for lunch.